My Poison

It’s my poison

This yellow liquid

Bought ice cold

In a glass bottle.

It’s the craving feeling

In the pit of my stomach

The desperate desire

To block out my emotions.

It’s the jealous rage

That fills my body

When I see someone

Tip a wine glass to their lips.

It’s the hunger for oblivion

And the ache for alcohol

That ruins my relationship

And destroys my life.

Bordering On Broken

It is like having a child in my head

Screaming at me constantly

Telling me what to do

And begging for treats.

It’s like I’m a volcano

Waiting to erupt

At any time

And any place.

It’s like being tortured

By overwhelming emotions

And having your brain

Set on fire every day.

Little things like an argument

Or losing a pen or a pound

Cause me to lose my shit

And fall broken to the ground.

I don’t trust anyone

Especially not myself

And my life seems to be ruled

By this thing called mental health.

It’s being so alive

But only just at times

It’s like being punched

In the heart numerous times.

Borderline

I’m a borderline

Whatever that means

I’m shattered glass

And broken dreams.

I need something

To dull my pain

Whether it’s wine

Or even cocaine.

I’m crossing boundaries

And lying to those who care

Making bad choices

What to eat, what to drink, what to wear.

Harming myself is nothing

Self-destruction is all I know

Taking too many pills

Not caring if I stay or go.

I hate myself so much

I feel blackened inside

Like a charcoal skeleton

Rotted, dead, died.

I’d like to be happy

And confident in my skin

But for now I’ll keep living

Seeing each new day in.

Bluebell Forest

A field of purple-blue,

walking along with you.

The Spring sunshine

warms my tired skin.

The lavender landscape

stretches out as far

as the eye can see.

And beyond.

The smell of fresh air

mixed with flowers and grass,

fills our wintered lungs

and strokes our cheeks.

This forest of bluebells

is almost magical.

The way they sway

in the calming breeze.

Totton

There once was a town called Totton

All the residents thought it was rotten

I escaped this grim place

With a big smile on my face

Hoping I wouldn’t be forgotten.

Driving Over Pinecones

The sun peeks out from behind the clouds

as we drive over pinecones,

and the car’s wheels hop

over every crackling one.

My brain is broken

but the world still spins,

the scars stain my flesh

as I remember my sins.

The music plays on the radio

as I try to focus on the view,

but it seems so pointless

when all I can think of is you.

The smell of forest and leafy undergrowth

awakens my senses and feelings,

a calmness washes over my body

and something in me starts healing.

Emotional Intensity

Perhaps it’s the abrupt change in mood

And the deep passionate hatred

That comes over me like a tidal wave

Crushing everything in my path.

If I could learn to control the self-hatred

And increase my self-worth

Perhaps I would learn

To love myself.

And not become so out of touch

With the world and its happenings

That I forget to eat, to sleep

Instead I sit and think.

About pointless things

That to me are so important

The erratic behaviours

Spending sprees and impulsive decisions.

Binge drinking, binge eating and self-abuse

Denying my body food or sleep

And then eating too much

Sleeping too much.

Emotions all over the place

Feelings written on my face

I love you then I hate you

I want you then I don’t want you near me.

I love life then I hate everything

This is life with emotional instability

Intense feelings and impulsive urges

They call it Borderline Personality Disorder.

Or Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder

Or Emotional Intensity Disorder

But I would just say I feel too much

And think too much.

And act too quickly

And hate too quickly

And trust not enough

And my brain.

Never

Stops

Analysing

Everything.