Stay Alive

I am not going to wallow

In self-pity and depression

I am not going to cut myself

And bleed into my sheets.

I am not going to overdose

On lots of pills and alcohol

I am not going to hurt myself

Because I don’t deserve it.

I will write my way through this

And come out the other side

I will chill in my bed at home

But most of all, I’ll stay alive.

I Can

I can get through anything

I can hold down a job

I can survive a night

Full of suicidal thoughts

I can resist alcohol

And drugs and oblivion

I can write a novel

I can write a poem

I can make new friends

I can have a laugh

I can travel the world

I can do whatever I want

I can and I will.

Damaged Goods

Disappointment again

I should have known

That no one would want

Damaged goods.

I fall too quickly

Too fast and too deeply

Only to be broken

Into millions of pieces.

Well at least I’ve learned

That I can move on

And find happiness

If it strikes again.

High and Low

The highs are euphoric

The electric butterflies

The daydreaming and fantasising

But the lows are crushing

Debilitating and deafening

I want to go to sleep

And not wake up

When only yesterday

I wanted to live forever.

BPD Butterflies

Butterflies in my stomach

Electricity pulsing through my blood

Your touch makes me feel alive

And I fall instantly in love.

But is this infatuation?

Intoxication caused by my brain

And my personality disorder

Making me go crazy, mad insane.

Can I ever fall in love?

Or do I fall in love with the idea

I’d like to have a normal mind

And have nothing bad to fear.

I’ve put myself out there

Vulnerable, naked, exposed

But please my darling, catch me

I can’t cope with anymore woes.

Yellow Pill For The Little Girl

You didn’t realise the damage you made

When you handed me that first yellow pill

You didn’t think about the consequences

And the legality of what you had done.

You never thought I’d become hooked

On this tiny yet magical pill

You never thought I’d steal it

Or desperately seek it out online.

I was just a child, it began

Taking a pill from her father

I was just an innocent little girl

Being abused with twisted love.

Now I crave these dangerous drugs

And think about them far too much

And wish I could have them

When life becomes too tough.

I have to move on

From this unhealthy obsession

But I hope you’ve realised

And learnt your lesson.

Hole in My Heart

There’s a hole in my heart

That for some reason

Has stayed gaping open

Regardless of everything

It hits me sometimes

Now and again, when –

I’m walking to work

Or cooking a meal

And I suddenly realise

I’m doing it alone.

A song reminds me of

All the reasons we were –

So wonderful together

And I miss cuddling you

And watching TV

I miss your kiss and I miss

Your smell and your hair

But I don’t miss your temper

Or your jealousy

Or the way you made me feel

Like I had to be perfect

Because I’ll never be perfect

And perhaps we weren’t

Soulmates after all.

Toxic

Were we so toxic?

And doomed from the beginning

Were we set up to fail?

Regardless of how many times

We gave it another go.

The last straw or the last chance

I can’t remember how many

You gave me.

Am I so toxic?

So fucked up

That even you couldn’t keep

Loving me and healing me.

You tell me I’m selfish

And incapable of caring

For anyone else.

That I ruined you and you hate me.

We were in love and in hate.

We couldn’t live without each other

Or with each other.

So let’s see who is stronger

Who comes out the other side?

And maybe in ten years

You’ll pass me in the street

Or read my poetry online

And remember why

You loved me so much.

Or maybe you’ll hate me

Forever and more than I

Can hate myself.

Which is hard.

Graduation!

So today, after 3 gruelling years of hard work I did it! I graduated with a Second Class Bachelor of Arts with Honours degree in English and Creative Writing! 

My Poison

It’s my poison

This yellow liquid

Bought ice cold

In a glass bottle.

It’s the craving feeling

In the pit of my stomach

The desperate desire

To block out my emotions.

It’s the jealous rage

That fills my body

When I see someone

Tip a wine glass to their lips.

It’s the hunger for oblivion

And the ache for alcohol

That ruins my relationship

And destroys my life.

Bordering On Broken

It is like having a child in my head

Screaming at me constantly

Telling me what to do

And begging for treats.

It’s like I’m a volcano

Waiting to erupt

At any time

And any place.

It’s like being tortured

By overwhelming emotions

And having your brain

Set on fire every day.

Little things like an argument

Or losing a pen or a pound

Cause me to lose my shit

And fall broken to the ground.

I don’t trust anyone

Especially not myself

And my life seems to be ruled

By this thing called mental health.

It’s being so alive

But only just at times

It’s like being punched

In the heart numerous times.

Borderline

I’m a borderline

Whatever that means

I’m shattered glass

And broken dreams.

I need something

To dull my pain

Whether it’s wine

Or even cocaine.

I’m crossing boundaries

And lying to those who care

Making bad choices

What to eat, what to drink, what to wear.

Harming myself is nothing

Self-destruction is all I know

Taking too many pills

Not caring if I stay or go.

I hate myself so much

I feel blackened inside

Like a charcoal skeleton

Rotted, dead, died.

I’d like to be happy

And confident in my skin

But for now I’ll keep living

Seeing each new day in.

Bluebell Forest

A field of purple-blue,

walking along with you.

The Spring sunshine

warms my tired skin.

The lavender landscape

stretches out as far

as the eye can see.

And beyond.

The smell of fresh air

mixed with flowers and grass,

fills our wintered lungs

and strokes our cheeks.

This forest of bluebells

is almost magical.

The way they sway

in the calming breeze.

Totton

There once was a town called Totton

All the residents thought it was rotten

I escaped this grim place

With a big smile on my face

Hoping I wouldn’t be forgotten.

Driving Over Pinecones

The sun peeks out from behind the clouds

as we drive over pinecones,

and the car’s wheels hop

over every crackling one.

My brain is broken

but the world still spins,

the scars stain my flesh

as I remember my sins.

The music plays on the radio

as I try to focus on the view,

but it seems so pointless

when all I can think of is you.

The smell of forest and leafy undergrowth

awakens my senses and feelings,

a calmness washes over my body

and something in me starts healing.

Emotional Intensity

Perhaps it’s the abrupt change in mood

And the deep passionate hatred

That comes over me like a tidal wave

Crushing everything in my path.

If I could learn to control the self-hatred

And increase my self-worth

Perhaps I would learn

To love myself.

And not become so out of touch

With the world and its happenings

That I forget to eat, to sleep

Instead I sit and think.

About pointless things

That to me are so important

The erratic behaviours

Spending sprees and impulsive decisions.

Binge drinking, binge eating and self-abuse

Denying my body food or sleep

And then eating too much

Sleeping too much.

Emotions all over the place

Feelings written on my face

I love you then I hate you

I want you then I don’t want you near me.

I love life then I hate everything

This is life with emotional instability

Intense feelings and impulsive urges

They call it Borderline Personality Disorder.

Or Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder

Or Emotional Intensity Disorder

But I would just say I feel too much

And think too much.

And act too quickly

And hate too quickly

And trust not enough

And my brain.

Never

Stops

Analysing

Everything.

You Took From Me

You took something from me

From deep inside my soul

Perhaps it was my humanity

Or my self-respect, or dignity.

You broke something in me

Maybe the instinct to trust

Or the desire to doll myself up

Now I feel safer without make-up.

You took a part of me

Reserved only for someone else

You marked your territory

Now I’m forever scarred.

It Must Have Been

It must have been the way I slurred my words

Or the colour of my silky blouse

It must have been the tears rolling down my face

Or the distress radiating off of me.

It must have been the way I said

I was gay and I had a girlfriend

It must have been the cries

I made when he began.

It must have been the fact

That I was an intoxicated female

Or perhaps it was the fate that I deserved

Maybe that’s why he did it.

Sometimes

Sometimes the only way to feel human

Is to behave like an animal

And the best cure for anger

Is to smash a few plates.

Sometimes your revenge

Is best served piping hot

And your gut instinct

Is telling the truth.

Sometimes you have to give someone

The benefit of the doubt

There’s more beneath the surface

Like the tip of an iceberg.

Sometimes you have to do

What you have to do

And forget the rules

And the laws.

Sometimes the world wins

But other times it loses

And your opinion is the one

That really counts.

Sometimes people lose their shit

And behave like idiots

And that is okay.

No-one is perfect.

Someone Else’s Problem

It’s just someone else’s problem

Someone else’s life

Someone else’s father

And someone else’s wife.

The man on the street

With the skeletal frame

Is pleading for money

As you hide your shame.

The TV shows an advert

Of African children crying

We change the channel

To forget they’re dying.

The woman next door

Is beaten black and blue

But you tell yourself

It’s nothing to do with you.

The people getting bombed

By your high school soldier friend

The gay guy round the block

Trying to hide and pretend.

The girl you called fat

Just threw up her dinner

While you judge her weight

She’s only getting thinner.

The pregnant teenage girl

That you called a slut

Is carrying her father’s child

And starting to give up.

The guy buying twenty cans

Of beer every night

Hears voices in his head

And drinks to calm his fright.

You’re in denial

Until it hits home

You’re the one crying

You’re the one all alone.

For so long you have tried

To shut out the pain

But it finds you in the end

And makes you go insane.

It’s not someone else’s problem

You’re the one with the scars

It’s not someone else’s pain

It comes from your heart.

The ‘R’ Word

They told her she invited it,

that her clothing ‘egged him on.’

They said to him ‘that’s what you

get for being a homosexual.’

They told her she shouldn't

have drunk so much booze,

or that she should never

have gone back to his place.

He told his friends he got lucky,

that he had ‘pulled a fit bird.’

She told her friends not to

speak to him again. Ever.

He told the court at the trial

‘She said yes’ but then

she told the judge and jury

‘I said no’ and broke down.

Rape is never justifiable,

consent isn’t as complex

as society makes it out to be.

Not saying no can still mean no.

Stop telling your daughters

not to wear short skirts

and start teaching your

sons not to rape.