Yellow Pill For The Little Girl

You didn’t realise the damage you made

When you handed me that first yellow pill

You didn’t think about the consequences

And the legality of what you had done.

You never thought I’d become hooked

On this tiny yet magical pill

You never thought I’d steal it

Or desperately seek it out online.

I was just a child, it began

Taking a pill from her father

I was just an innocent little girl

Being abused with twisted love.

Now I crave these dangerous drugs

And think about them far too much

And wish I could have them

When life becomes too tough.

I have to move on

From this unhealthy obsession

But I hope you’ve realised

And learnt your lesson.

Hole in My Heart

There’s a hole in my heart

That for some reason

Has stayed gaping open

Regardless of everything

It hits me sometimes

Now and again, when –

I’m walking to work

Or cooking a meal

And I suddenly realise

I’m doing it alone.

A song reminds me of

All the reasons we were –

So wonderful together

And I miss cuddling you

And watching TV

I miss your kiss and I miss

Your smell and your hair

But I don’t miss your temper

Or your jealousy

Or the way you made me feel

Like I had to be perfect

Because I’ll never be perfect

And perhaps we weren’t

Soulmates after all.

Toxic

Were we so toxic?

And doomed from the beginning

Were we set up to fail?

Regardless of how many times

We gave it another go.

The last straw or the last chance

I can’t remember how many

You gave me.

Am I so toxic?

So fucked up

That even you couldn’t keep

Loving me and healing me.

You tell me I’m selfish

And incapable of caring

For anyone else.

That I ruined you and you hate me.

We were in love and in hate.

We couldn’t live without each other

Or with each other.

So let’s see who is stronger

Who comes out the other side?

And maybe in ten years

You’ll pass me in the street

Or read my poetry online

And remember why

You loved me so much.

Or maybe you’ll hate me

Forever and more than I

Can hate myself.

Which is hard.

Graduation!

So today, after 3 gruelling years of hard work I did it! I graduated with a Second Class Bachelor of Arts with Honours degree in English and Creative Writing! 

My Poison

It’s my poison

This yellow liquid

Bought ice cold

In a glass bottle.

It’s the craving feeling

In the pit of my stomach

The desperate desire

To block out my emotions.

It’s the jealous rage

That fills my body

When I see someone

Tip a wine glass to their lips.

It’s the hunger for oblivion

And the ache for alcohol

That ruins my relationship

And destroys my life.

Bordering On Broken

It is like having a child in my head

Screaming at me constantly

Telling me what to do

And begging for treats.

It’s like I’m a volcano

Waiting to erupt

At any time

And any place.

It’s like being tortured

By overwhelming emotions

And having your brain

Set on fire every day.

Little things like an argument

Or losing a pen or a pound

Cause me to lose my shit

And fall broken to the ground.

I don’t trust anyone

Especially not myself

And my life seems to be ruled

By this thing called mental health.

It’s being so alive

But only just at times

It’s like being punched

In the heart numerous times.

Borderline

I’m a borderline

Whatever that means

I’m shattered glass

And broken dreams.

I need something

To dull my pain

Whether it’s wine

Or even cocaine.

I’m crossing boundaries

And lying to those who care

Making bad choices

What to eat, what to drink, what to wear.

Harming myself is nothing

Self-destruction is all I know

Taking too many pills

Not caring if I stay or go.

I hate myself so much

I feel blackened inside

Like a charcoal skeleton

Rotted, dead, died.

I’d like to be happy

And confident in my skin

But for now I’ll keep living

Seeing each new day in.