Cucumbers

They say we are made up of water

So we’re cucumbers with anxiety they say our hearts are organs

But mine’s filled with emotions, despite

Being broken and punched and kicked

Really we’re just ants on leaves

Despite getting our oxygen from trees

Running to Death

I could feel the wind brushing against my cheeks

As I ran full power towards the train railway crossing

When I reached the crossing my insanity took hold

And I walked onto the tracks and sat down

I waited until I heard the sirens and the gates closing

Then I started to panic but stayed sat there

The train stopped it, it had seen me

My plan had failed, as usual

A woman helped me up and over the barrier

And the next poem will tell the rest

But I was sectioned by the police.

Reckless

Reckless drinking

Reckless spending

Reckless sex

Reckless pretending

Pretending I’m normal

Pretending I’m fine

When in fact

I’m dying inside.

Walking Through Treackle

It’s like your stepping in treacle

Your foot drowns in the sticky substance

Gradually your body is pulled under

So slowly, nit you cannot fight back

So you are tortured by your own body

As it shuts down and gives up

Walking through treacle is depression

Being drowned slowly, painfully.

One Bottle

One bottle or two

One spliff or three

Who knows when

All you do is sleep

Eat junk food and cry

Living in a squalor

Not cleaning yourself

Or the surroundings

One bottle will do

But maybe two.

Hit

I need a hit

Alcohol or drugs

Not illegal ones

Prescriptions ones

Diazepam has become

My best friend

And worst enemy

I need a substitute

For the benzo or the booze

All I can find in my mind

Is agonising anxiety

And dark depression

I need something to keep me

Numb and sedated.

Blood On Tiles

Blood on tiles
Oil on canvas
Water on skin
Snow on grass
Skin on skin
I'll let you in
The blade leaves scars
Of times so hard
But my mind hurts
Forever aches.

Fight

As red as the roses grow
As blue as the sky can go
That's how much I feel
That's how much is real.

The beating of my heart
Tears my emotions apart
The urge to disappear
To be no longer here.

Thinking of pills and knives
Praying to keep me alive
If only for one more night
I don't know how long
I can keep up this fight.

Decay From Inside

The low has come
Like a tidal wave
Crushing me down
Drowning me slowly.
I gasp for breath
I fight for air
For light to shine
And ice to melt.
My body is frozen
Like a time capsule
Fragile, breakable
The low doesn't leave.
It consumes all of me
Piece by piece
Bit by bit
I decay from the inside.

Valium

It's the feeling of putting the pill on your tongue.
and sipping water and then waiting for the feeling to kick in.
If you're a regular person and function normally
It makes you euphoric
and as high as the sky
but if you're like me and you
overthink over breathe, feel too much
It makes you feel normal
with its magic touch.

Prozac Vs Zoloft

They put me on Prozac

But it made me go mad

They tried me on Zoloft

And it stopped me feeling sad

They gave me risperidone

But my hormones didn’t agree

They tired me on abilify

But the agitation was too much for me

The Seroquel helps me sleep at night

And calms my brain in the storm

The Valium eases my anxiety

And makes me feel warm.

Meds

They put me on Prozac
But it made me go mad
They put me on Zoloft
And it stopped me feeling sad
They tried me on Risperidone
But it messed with my hormones
They gave me Abilify
But I was restless with boredom
I'm now on Seroquel
It helps me sleep at night
Who knows what meds are next
But I hope they help me fight.

Stay Alive

I am not going to wallow

In self-pity and depression

I am not going to cut myself

And bleed into my sheets.

I am not going to overdose

On lots of pills and alcohol

I am not going to hurt myself

Because I don’t deserve it.

I will write my way through this

And come out the other side

I will chill in my bed at home

But most of all, I’ll stay alive.

I Can

I can get through anything

I can hold down a job

I can survive a night

Full of suicidal thoughts

I can resist alcohol

And drugs and oblivion

I can write a novel

I can write a poem

I can make new friends

I can have a laugh

I can travel the world

I can do whatever I want

I can and I will.

Damaged Goods

Disappointment again

I should have known

That no one would want

Damaged goods.

I fall too quickly

Too fast and too deeply

Only to be broken

Into millions of pieces.

Well at least I’ve learned

That I can move on

And find happiness

If it strikes again.

High and Low

The highs are euphoric

The electric butterflies

The daydreaming and fantasising

But the lows are crushing

Debilitating and deafening

I want to go to sleep

And not wake up

When only yesterday

I wanted to live forever.

BPD Butterflies

Butterflies in my stomach

Electricity pulsing through my blood

Your touch makes me feel alive

And I fall instantly in love.

But is this infatuation?

Intoxication caused by my brain

And my personality disorder

Making me go crazy, mad insane.

Can I ever fall in love?

Or do I fall in love with the idea

I’d like to have a normal mind

And have nothing bad to fear.

I’ve put myself out there

Vulnerable, naked, exposed

But please my darling, catch me

I can’t cope with anymore woes.

Yellow Pill For The Little Girl

You didn’t realise the damage you made

When you handed me that first yellow pill

You didn’t think about the consequences

And the legality of what you had done.

You never thought I’d become hooked

On this tiny yet magical pill

You never thought I’d steal it

Or desperately seek it out online.

I was just a child, it began

Taking a pill from her father

I was just an innocent little girl

Being abused with twisted love.

Now I crave these dangerous drugs

And think about them far too much

And wish I could have them

When life becomes too tough.

I have to move on

From this unhealthy obsession

But I hope you’ve realised

And learnt your lesson.

Hole in My Heart

There’s a hole in my heart

That for some reason

Has stayed gaping open

Regardless of everything

It hits me sometimes

Now and again, when –

I’m walking to work

Or cooking a meal

And I suddenly realise

I’m doing it alone.

A song reminds me of

All the reasons we were –

So wonderful together

And I miss cuddling you

And watching TV

I miss your kiss and I miss

Your smell and your hair

But I don’t miss your temper

Or your jealousy

Or the way you made me feel

Like I had to be perfect

Because I’ll never be perfect

And perhaps we weren’t

Soulmates after all.

Toxic

Were we so toxic?

And doomed from the beginning

Were we set up to fail?

Regardless of how many times

We gave it another go.

The last straw or the last chance

I can’t remember how many

You gave me.

Am I so toxic?

So fucked up

That even you couldn’t keep

Loving me and healing me.

You tell me I’m selfish

And incapable of caring

For anyone else.

That I ruined you and you hate me.

We were in love and in hate.

We couldn’t live without each other

Or with each other.

So let’s see who is stronger

Who comes out the other side?

And maybe in ten years

You’ll pass me in the street

Or read my poetry online

And remember why

You loved me so much.

Or maybe you’ll hate me

Forever and more than I

Can hate myself.

Which is hard.